My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
