Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
