he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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