I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
