it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Randomize