watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I want a musical about memes.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
