its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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