His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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