drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
