When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Randomize
