I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize