I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize