im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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