omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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