apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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