I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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