There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
