You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
