so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
