so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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