matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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