It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
