I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
