dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
