So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize