Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
