I'm gonna have a badass scar
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
