I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
