I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
