I need to stop coming to work sober
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Randomize
