God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
