If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
