Swine flu. Run for my life!
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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