I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
