idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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