If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
