Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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