I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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