oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
