So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize