Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
