you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize