She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
