seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
