Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
