Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
