I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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