wrigley field is MILF paradise
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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