I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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