Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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