My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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