I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
