this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
