my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
