Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
