It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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