I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
