i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
