i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
