Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
