everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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