somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
