So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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